There’s not many of us, a finite number, with the ranks thinning as days/years come & go. The product of a vacuum of time & culture between 1965-1985, those of us born & raised, or even just raised in Venice Ca., are of a different breed.

I wouldn’t be this toxic monster had I not hatched out of that surf ghetto, living in the ocean pre-Heal The Bay and always getting ear infections since there were no warnings or postings of high bacteria or nuclear waste levels then.

Public school & gangs, divorce, backyard keg parties, violent gigs all over town, everyone be it friend/family strung out on something, friends dying or getting killed… And all of the same for most of your friends in their households… It was the realization that the post WWII America was COMPLETELY dead and gone, and now no matter your skin color, everything in California was a free for all from there on out. Don’t be too soft or too trusting to anyone…

As I near 50 I’m just as untrusting & judgmental.

Wary of those around me as I entered XXX many years ago, that’s only intensified as all of my presumptions came to the surface around me like being in the lineup surrounded by pieces of styro-foam and plastic bottles as you scrape to make it outside and not get pounded by the oncoming set. I knew it was toxic, and I still paddled out anyways…. That’s what we all did, because for some stupid reason we all lived in survival mode, never believing any of us were going to be able to taste success or wealth, or even just basic day-day adult security that people you didn’t like or align with all seemed to have.

When you don’t believe something is for you, then you’re never going to have it.

I don’t believe in any of the people around me in XXX. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t know that I have ANY belief left,… mostly just bitterness and jealousy and contempt.

Yes I drive people away too fast. Yes I’m lonely. Yes I’m venomous. And yes I do look into the mirror and see who’s to blame.

The jellyfish sting you when they touch you regardless, no matter your station in this world. The waves pound you without mercy because you’re there inside them like liquid concrete, punishing you like nothing else on this planet. The riptide abuses you relentlessly, forcing you out, or away, or under, because it can & will. The seagulls take the food from your blanket, attended or not because it’s theirs too. The dolphins move through you with confidence, frivolity, power & majesty in their pods, or even as lone nomads, reminding what wizardry underneath the water is, personified.

The children of the sea are not concerned if they’re wrong, or venomous, or too powerful…. They are of a different breed and they have to write their own rules as they exist, even if that means demise….

Should I ever touch the ocean again I might grow 20 ft. tall, and yet I might dissolve like a sand castle that was never really there in the first place…

Don’t forgive me for anything I ever do, or don’t do. You know where I’m from and what I’ve always been,…

~