will finish this one later tonight… -Swiney
This one’s Chrissie Hynde’s fault…
“It must seem strange, love was here then gone
And the Oklahoma sunrise becomes the Amarillo dawn
What’s important in this life
Ask the man, who’s lost his wife.”
So I happened to have some face-time with ‘her’ today, on her turf. Where she’s at every weekday between certain hours, and sometimes on Saturday… I let her know I was coming by so it wasn’t an ambush but yet, it was still an ‘un-satisfying’ encounter to say the least. You know when you just try to talk with someone that you really like, or maybe was actually BEST FRIENDS w/you just a few months prior, and they just aren’t having it? It’s like you can see they’re about to come out and dismiss you at some point if you keep trying to be friendly…
Fuck, that feels lame.
Yeah, she couldn’t hardly stand having me in the room once the transaction was complete and gave herself away w/the determined approach to not make eye contact for more than about .004 seconds… The look on her face caused me to pretty much stop what I was saying mid-sentence and end it with, “Well, ok.. see u later”, and I walked out a bit embarrassed/humiliated.
Thanx babe, message received LOUD & clear…. you’re actually starting to dislike me now.
There’s no way this should really rank this high, all things considered; people I (STILL) love dearly gone, pushing so many limits of rock n roll partying for 25+ years, the porno exploits.. there’s a wealth of days that should push this one way down the totem-pole. But, my age at the time has a lot to do with it… getting ‘wins’ as a teenager definitely add MEGA style-points, and, that’s when this all went down…
In the mid-80’s there was nary a place I loved to be more than on the sand at Rose ave. Didn’t matter who rode the #2 w/me down to the sand, once we got there we were able to stop the world itself with our pursuits of barrels and sun and feeling like we lived in place that was as magical as any teenager could ever happen upon. A huge part of that magic WAS the era,… the 60’s & 70’s were gone, it was now like everyone was part of the party once you made it to the sand, regardless of age. The hippy-free sex vibe was out, the disco-cocaine vibe was out, now it was everyone is here to pursue this big stage of sun & ocean and being away from the city all together.
It’s hard to describe how amazing it was to tap into all of that as a teenager…
Soooo, on one of these summer vacation jaunts down to the sand w/my cronies, be it Rich Moritz, or Glen, or J. McGill, J. Saenz… it was mostly an uneventful day in the water as there wasn’t much of a swell happening, which was the status quo.. Anyhow, I was usually lucky to get to Rose ave. w/$5 bux to survive on for the day, minus bus fare that I had to scrape up myself ($1.00 round trip). The spot there at the corner of Rose ave. & the Boardwalk was called Carousel, and it was AMAZING for a 15 yr. old kid since they had pizza, roast beef sandwiches, soft-serve cones, you name it, they had awesome stuff to inhale after you had just been in the water for 2-4 hours…
So this particular, completely brazen day without a cloud in the sky, I rolled in there w/my $5 bux & decided I was going for a roast beef sandwich (small) and a small drink. The whopping total was $3.50, which meant I had a $1.50 for an ice cream later and bus fare home. I hand the cashier my five, & they give me back change for a ten… ~O_o~ HOLY HELL,… I just got $6.50 back on a $5.00 bill! FUCK YEAH!..
Now, I did hesitate for a second and consider being straight-up about it, but look…, my family was blue-collar poor and I was gonna take EVERY break that came my way, including this one. So I got the hell out of there and went to the sand to devour my sandwich WITH more cash to spare for later.. WOW, did I feel like a rockstar.. on the beach, soaking up every minute of summer vacation w/my bros, and here I just got PAID to eat a roast beef sandwich… amazing how easily satisfied I am (then & now) with the bounty of extra food & or beers. lol
There was still $6.50 to spend, which meant me buying 3 slices of pizza for me and (I think) Jim & Rich that day before we hit the wall on Rose ave. to wait for the bus back home. Which was it’s own stoke… I LOVED being able to share the wealth as they say… EVERYTHING was bro-code without even thinking about it back then, which just added to how golden the entire process of growing up in Venice was. It WAS a very unique place because of so many things colliding there culturally & socially that we all absorbed, or rebelled against as it always seemed cameras were on us everyday we were on the sand.
(not that they were, that was just the afterglow of 83-84 when music videos & the Olympics had heightened the overall exposure of Venice from the Pavilion to Rose ave.)
Sitting on that sand for hundreds of days as a teenager, soaking up everything we all could of Santa Monica bay, looking at the cliffs pull around to Malibu, or down South to the airport with the tankers docked outside of El Porto, it was all OURS… we were born into that, and it’s STILL in my blood as I’m sure it’s still in all of my childhood friends too.
Venice is more than just Venice Beach. As we were all from that dark heart that was sunk deep into the ground by the Lincoln blvd. border. The beach was the light for us, and for millions that also jaunted there either casually, or devotedly. But when that stretch of sand was yours, it had a separate majesty to it that to this day I’m so doggedly proud of. Sure, it’s nonsense to be proud of where one is from, but I’m never giving up on where my heart is…. It’s in Venice, Ca.
Even if I never see that sand with mine own eyes again.
The editing program was opening and I looked down at my headphones, getting ready to put them back on for the 20th time today when all of the ‘space’ found me. Another moment of clarity where one finds themselves almost completely untethered from those around him be it friend, family, or foe… You get a minute to see all of the gaps around your life that are just sitting there empty, not contributing, not draining,.. not being pursued.
I suppose that’s how one can turn around and realize they’re 60 and really don’t know what happened at any of the stops from B-Y… everything just becomes A-Z, in every part of your life..
Whatevs, 1st world problems again… We’re here and then we’re not. I was about to chop and Layne Staley reached me again and helped me see all of those gaps in absolute clarity, which was a bit sad for a few seconds, but I got over it for the time being because even tho I don’t like writing impulsively, I felt I had to… This wasn’t important per se`, just an itch I made a point to scratch in this fashion.
All of this empty, unused space in my life gets to remain that way for the short term since I still haven’t figured out how to really pick myself up after the Married Woman erased me from her life. I banked waay too much on someone being their for me as a friend and lover expecting her to understand how love really works, which was mostly my fault.. mostly.
The lights get turned off at some point every night and guess what eventually creeps in?.. The mistakes and self-blame, the realizations… which are just more of the same. So I sit there and kick the dog until my lights decide to finally turn off before seeing the same movie 24 hours later…
Dammit, Layne… see what you got me thinking about? But I’m glad you reeled me in here since I needed to do this. Seeing the gaps, holes, spaces,.. they need to be counted and remembered. They can help with the fear I need to generate, the fear that keeps me working and posting my dwindling library of XXX accomplishments. If I’m not terrified about what I would have to return to in the real world, then I would bring about a new meaning to the words ‘doing nothing’…
I have work to do, of stuff I made and that people seem to like a little bit. That’s the small victory I needed to not let the gaps & holes & empty spaces bring me down too far right now. There’s plenty of that waiting for me once that last light gets turned off later tonite…
I was trying to chop/edit scenes but had to walk away from it…. I’m in desperate need of updating my stores,..but when I can’t chop, I can’t chop. Sooo… I was thinking about (of all things) Wikipedia, and how some people have these like details and histories on their pages and realized that somehow I’d like that for my page too.. But how, just log in and throw up facts? I know it doesn’t actually work that way, even if it does, there’s more to it in regards to reference, etc..
So maybe Belligerent Purity will be what I need to ‘prove’ what I’d like to add to my page since it IS documented that this is my blog and my accounts/stories, etc. Won’t know until I put in the time right? Although, with the person I’ve become,..the total apathetic quitter/loser, putting in the time might be about as impossible as me getting any more chopping done tonite…
Where to start?… Well, maybe if I keep it boiler plate in approach, the details will take over and we’ll actually get somewhere tonight…
1998 was when I first appeared on sets for Mike, doing BTS/non-sex appearances, (Oral Consumption/The Gangbang Girl/ and a couple other sets I don’t recall the titles..) Nothing really materialized from those initial brushes w/porno, mostly because I was still too washed up. But a few years later I started doing my pool route again (by myself at this point) and it’s where I met a loser living in the guest house of one of my pool clients(Jon Nelson). That dude was named Andrew, and he eventually finagled some shooting gigs from these internet fags out of Arizona which led to the initial shoots for the Gangbang Squad website. The first time I held camera for those dudes was in late 02′, I think December, and we shot in Downtown at Julian St. Jacques’ place w/a blonde gal named Olivia. After the shoot Brian Sherwood had to follow my truck since his old beater/convertible (Oldsmobile?) had trouble with the headlights going in-out, which he did without any hitch.
The show in Vegas was around the corner, but I was in no financial shape to bail my pool route and party for a 3-4 days.. I mean, I COULD’VE asked Mike, and leaned on him financially, since I was getting ever closer to finally coming into the XXX fold (which he was REALLY hoping for), but I still didn’t feel ok w/schmoozing a trip to Vegas, especially not feeling like I was quite ‘in’ yet… so I sat that one out.. the 2003 AVN show should’ve been my 1st, but I passed,..
Looking back, not going to that show prolly set me back & really hampered my chances at ‘arriving’ a little sooner with the right people that would’ve given me a chance at coming in just before the curtain dropped on ownership deals, etc.. Because it’s no mystery that by the time I was up and swinging in XXX, it was too late for any of that… almost NO one got ownership past 2004 unless it was thru a deal at Evil Angel, which was never going to be an option for me no matter what…
2003 was good. REALLY good and then REALLY bad I should say. After everyone was back from the show ‘Handjob’ (Andrew) had confirmation that they were going to be shooting more, maybe even multiple sites at some point which was going to mean more scenes & more $$$. Now, lets be clear, Handjob was only paying me $100 per scene back then. And after like April/May, I think he doubled it to $200! WOW…. lol. In all seriousness, I was so poor at that time, those $100 & $200 days were keeping me alive as my pool route wasn’t bringing in but $1400-$1600 gross each month, and that didn’t count for ANYTHING; chems, gas, bills, my alcoholism.. It was ROUGH then…
But, this new shooting porno in between running pools was exciting and I was meeting lots of ridiculous characters on set and a nice batch of young, hot, and slutty chicks that were always naked and (usually) really easy to talk to. Now, I wasn’t fucking any of them, I was too focused on being the best/most competent guy on set as possible as there was a LOT of competition in the room when we shot. Even tho I was lead camera on our 2 camera shoots, Handjob was always trying to find someone to pair with/against me in hopes of always having options so that ALL people underneath him were easily & readily replacable, which was weird since all of this started off as such a ‘bro’-trust thing.
That lasted about 2 months, tops… This all went to Handjobs head so fast he didn’t even know who he was anymore by that summer,.. but whatevs, fuck that guy.
Ganbang Squad was killing it, so we got a second site, Teens For Cash, and I was tapped to handle that one by myself after just a couple shoots. Handjob was getting real busy w/bookings and all of the scheduling, etc., so he said to me specifically (in front of a few others) “Look, I’m so busy now all I want to do is know everyone’s here and ready to go so that I can leave and then come back when the scene’s done so I can write checks.”
He got what he wanted, only he didn’t realize that was giving me sway w/all of the performers since we were all in the trenches together making these scenes happen. We had a good crew/posse mentality going and Handjob soon became the outsider that no one wanted in the room and he HATED me for that. You see, it went from Gangbang Squad to Teens For Cash, to Backseat Bangers, to Boat Bangers, to MILF Seeker… we were shooting like 30 different sites it seemed w/me having a hand in shooting most all of them. He put me on salary halfway thru October as I sold my pool route and committed to $3000 a month (gross, again..lol) in return for shooting however many days he needed in a row. It was a terrible agreement, but I wanted the security & I figured if he was putting me on salary that he had me penned for the long haul as we kept moving up-up… And boy was I wrong about this cocksucker..
There was tension brewing, and I was taking a lot of onus on myself to run the crew which led to me and Handjob butting heads since I felt I didn’t need to listen to anything he had to say, and for the most part I didn’t. He brought NOTHING to the table creatively, all of the performers hated him, and he actually ASKED for this to happen, little to no involvement in the shooting, etc… So what was his fucking problem? Me,.. I was a strong personality and I wasn’t there to be bothered by him in ANY way with all of the days I was shooting consecutively, freestyling all of those reality/on street pickups, trouble shooting lame & busted chicks or woodless guys that appeared now-then,.. I felt I was running the entire shop single-handedly, and was, but Handjob was seething over the fact that the performers came to me for advice or what to do in a pinch over Handjob.. That KILLED him and his all-mighty check writing ability..
So, after some tension had built up, he and I had a talk on the Monday before Thanksgiving and I thought we had squashed everything, at least he made it sound like it was cool. But being the ultimate piece of shit that he is, he straight up lied to my face. I shot a scene that day and went by the poolhall to have a few beers, stopping by my Uncle’s place along the way to find out my Mom & Pops were in a substantial wreck in Fresno and that Moms was in real trouble. Moms didn’t make it, and died on her way to the hospital, so I notified Handjob that I’d be looking to call him Friday and see about shooting one of the two scenes we had booked… He said that was fine,… even tho he had already cut me loose.
On Friday he fired me. “It breaks my heart to do this to you man, but I gotta fire you. I talked to the guys and you just talked too much shit about me.”
I reminded him that we had worked all of this out on Monday, and that he was ‘cool’ with everything that was said/transpired… But he wasn’t. He was a big, jealous child who couldn’t share the spotlight, or handle an OUNCE of criticism for behaving like a juvenile half of the time whenever he didn’t need to. I know he has a lot of issues having being adopted and his only parent being a woman who was a police chief in Illinois. He learned authority from the top-down and somehow thought he was meant to dole it out the same way… Either way, he’s one of the few people I truly despise.
I could care less if he died in misery, true misery. He’s a liar at heart, untrusting and impudent unless it’s ALL going his way. That’s the only time he knows how to be halfway decent. Anyways, that was my exit from my first real stop in XXX, and I learned a few key things about myself there which I never forgot;
1.I was meant for XXX, the energy, the sex, the naked bodies, the extremeties and disposability of the people inside the machine.. that was me too. I didn’t need to get laid yet, I still had too much to prove, too much venom coursing thru me after Handjob discarded me that way.
2. I was waay more fucked up than anyone I had met up to that point, and that helped, because these Mopes and whores WERE fucked up too, and I gravitated to that energy. They just didn’t have the level of personal damage that I did, at least not that I could see.. but regardless, it was one big junkyard of bodies and bad decisions and endless beer guzzling,.. and that’s where I needed to be.
3. I was good in the room, I was good w/the entire process(of shooting scenes/making movies), and I knew that this was my VERY last chance to make it in this life. I was TOO angry from Mom’s funeral and the fallout that came with it (Pops’ side of the family flaking, etc.) to walk away from XXX. It was all or nothing, and I didn’t care if I ended up w/nothing, I had to try. The anger & the bad blood from the way all of that went down is the only thing that would keep me going during the following 10-12 months of scratching and clawing my way to the surface of the ranks of XXX/gonzo shooters and companies.
I had no idea where I was going, all I could do was hope that when Mike got back from shooting in Europe that he could open some doors for me with the people/companies he knew.. It was terrifying in some ways, but mostly because I was facing certain doom and going to lose any/all of my measly possessions I had left in my life post-Donna, and now post-Moms….
I guess I’ll let you know how all of that turned out in pt.2…
It wasn’t more than a glance at the string of posts that populate the page here & I could soak up the dread behind the entries as the mouse-wheel scrolled them by. For a moment I felt a bit guilty to be honest, having only been sharing these dreary glimpses of my interior, even if they do dominate my inner arteries & soul…
There’s no need for guilt,.. that’s how I always end up pulling this page down time-time, because I feel bad that I’m sharing too much of my dread & never anything with a remotely positive pulse to it.. The dread NEEDS to spread everywhere or I’ll never get away from it. But,….. I think about what any/all must say to yourselves & pull it down because in everyone else’s eyes, I don’t have any real reason to still be this way at my core… Even if, I totally do…
See, I’m always looking for a reason to tear myself down, even when I’m trying to start a process of healing 20+ year old wounds..
This is where I have to challenge myself like never before,… because if 21 years ago I mattered to Donna,.. then I have to believe I still matter enough now to say whatever I want about what a loser, or total rockstar I can be any given moment… I have to allow myself an equal opportunity to not hate myself as much as I’ve proven at least 50-60 times here (w/all of those old posts I deleted sometime in 2016-2017) how much I do… I see myself as such a failure on almost every front of my life since I didn’t take even the smallest of opportunities and turn them into a mountainside I could call my own, tax free….
Life doesn’t work that way for any of you, but yet I expect it to for me, only taking on impossible odds without any real knowledge, experience & definitely not putting in any practice time… I’m the guy that arrives at boot camp and asks for an M-16 & a bushel of grenades and just waits by the tarmac for the flight to the drop zone so we can get this combat started…. No one ever got that did they?…
The negative has always pushed me, not the positive… The positive I just soak up and don’t share because it’s, 1. personal and held dear for MY solace.. MY warmth. 2. it can be entirely arrogant to write from a positive perspective,.. or at least I’m worried it can be,.. and haven’t dialed in how to share the upside just yet, so I don’t.
There was a moment where I started letting go of the concept of anything we do having any lasting meaning once we’re gone… or, at least worrying if anything I ever do could have any. And when I accepted that there’s pretty much nothing I feel attaches my existence to anything of substance or meaning, I began to care even less if it ever did. You know, everything comes to be & then comes to pass,… especially us.
I lost a lot of desire to interact and socialize with anyone in my circles since they now seemed so superficial, or temporary at best. Not tangible or even necessary for the most part… and I got lost there in that belief, or disbelief of my world having any gravity outside of basic existence.
I’ll try to keep writing here,… and I’ll try to be brave enough to let whatever I write stay here and not get pulled down. Because it’s embarrassing as hell to admit how much of a loser you feel like everyday, even though you feel you need to until you think about how people must hate hearing about it, and then get ashamed on top of being embarrassed and then,.. well, you saw where that got this blog over the past few years…
We’ll talk later.
p.s.; someone I loved, and still love dearly talked with me the other day. And I don’t think we’ll be sitting down and talking again anytime soon. It’s moving away from the two of us…. But, that convo, and the gesture, and what was for a couple years,… made a difference in my life. She’s alive. She can be happy & feel the sun on her face, and that is all I need to know. Because the other woman I love can’t do any of those things.
With all of the post-production I’ve had on my plate the past week/ten days, I’ve had to do a little digging for music that was either out of my wheelhouse, or something I hadn’t heard in some time to help keep me going/fill the space while I sit in a chair for days on end… There’s a LOT of LP’s that fit the latter category, but I can’t always sort through the deep tissue of my softened brain to recall what gems I have stored there that can now be easily found (for the most part) online.
Before I move forward, we’re going backwards about 20 years to when I worked at the shirt shop on Olympic blvd., Quick Draw. We had a boombox/cd player that me & the rest of the crew alternated w/cd’s as the day went on, sometimes taking a break to listen to the Jim Rome show since he was still pretty good back then (95-96). Hell, I even was able to get a couple of my faxes read on air, culminating in Grover’s last day Jim heeded my request to celebrate by giving Grover an ‘extended dance re-mix buzzer’ to close out the show (& Grover’s tenure).
The boom-box had some regular plays/spins, with one of the most unforgettable (& yet chagrined at the same time) was the ‘Monkey Business’ LP by Skid Row. Now, I am NOT going to wax about that album here,.. so you can calm yourself before barfing all over your desk or mobile device,..lol. An album that played pretty frequent, but rarely saw a front to back completion (due to a pretty lengthy runtime for that era of music) was ‘Down On The Upside’ by Soundgarden. They had a couple semi-hits from that one w/’Pretty Noose’ & ‘Blow Up The Outside World’, but overall you could hear that the LP’s material was a SOLID & concerted effort, and even tho at the time I was just starting to ‘hear’ what bands/musicians were doing with their material, digesting it differently, I could sense that D.O.T.U was a real labor for that band. An attempt at a statement for their catalog/legacy so to speak…
So, who knows how long it’s actually been since I’ve heard that LP… I know I’ve jumped in-out of it over the years since then but never ‘heard’ it the way I needed to. Not like tonight….
It all make sense about Chris now. There’s too much material on that LP alone that tells me he’d had suicide in his brain for many years. There’s a darkness & a low point that can combine & then reach you from the inside. When that happens, you don’t look at killing yourself the same way anymore, you don’t see it as being all that far-fetched and start coming to grips that if you’re not careful, you might actually be ok w/leaving once and for all.
This is all combusting at the perfect time unfortunately, and even though what I just wrote is an oxy-moron, it will make sense.
I’ve had the WORST start to a calendar year of my adult life, barring those that followed Donna’s overdose. I have been SO low and so unhappy, that I found a new place of hopelessness in late January that had me leaving my pistol on my dresser and handling it, getting used to the feel & idea of that one trigger pull actually solving all of these tear-soaked problems I can’t seem to leave behind. If I leave all of you behind, then I’m fine,… I’ll be dead, sure… But I’ll be in a place where maybe she & I connect again.. Or maybe I just go cold and my despair decomposes just like the rest of me.
That doesn’t scare me the way it used to… Not after seeing what Pops went through. Not after remembering how Donna was terrified to get old as she saw the ravages time and age put upon her great grandmother Cecelia (God love her), with her arthritis and frail bones… Donna was right all along… Old age is only for the lucky, and not the stubborn.
Now, my being brutally honest is something I have to be on this one,.. I made it through my very dark two weeks and found a way to shake it off just like in years past. But, being 48, I don’t worry about if or when anymore,.. I’m middle-aged & I’ve done my best to bend the world to my will for EVERY day since 5/14/1997… And yeah, it’s been grueling at times, and it’s been utterly fantastic at others, continuing Paul Yamada’s 100% correct assessment of me back in 1987 of me never knowing anything about what ‘happy medium’ is, or could be,.. lol. (God love him too, ~RIP~)
Ok, so back to Chris Cornell; look, he knew that dark place for a long time, and most likely some form of addiction-recovery-addiction, rinse-repeat cycle finally helped him see that he really wanted out. He didn’t worry about anything but not feeling that panic anymore,..that flavor of hopelessness that reminds you there’s no place to run to… you can’t exist inside yourself,.. it’s impossible & you want to just disintegrate right there in that instant. Only you can’t, you’re alive and people love you and you feel you owe a debt to them, and for the most part you do. I felt that guilt myself for 20+ years… A lot of it dripped away in late January tho,.. And sorry. but I don’t care that it has. I gotta keep doing what’s best for me, foerever…
‘Down On The Upside’ is an incredible, timeless, majestic piece of rock n roll… 5 stars, front-back. And when I heard ‘Tighter & Tighter’ run thru, I didn’t pay too close attention to the lyrics, but re-spun it a couple of times and said to myself, “Wow, that’s not just a great piece of this album, but prolly my favorite piece of music from these guys.”
I went about my uploading & tweeting and the subsequent tracks followed and continued my sonic happiness having re-discovered a slab of music I’ll revisit often. The work was finishing up and I took a look at the lyrics for ‘Tighter & Tighter’ & there lay the groundwork for our dear, sweet Chris’ last night in this world. It’s like words I had said to myself countless times in my states of panic and hoping for the courage to leave once and for all. It was too pinpoint,..too accurate…
You all need to remember that EVERYTHING in this life/world is based around circular movements, cycles, & energy… Knowing that IS half of the battle, and how I’ve beaten my low points for 2 decades enduring it one hour, one day, one week at a time. Which I intend to keep doing. If some day it gets the better of me, well, that’s showbiz,.. I did my best to put up a Hell of a 20+ year fight. Maybe I’ll make it a 30+ year fight, since I am as stubborn as I am foolish.
That’s all for this one,… Goodnight & God bless. -T.
Warm & sweet
Swinging from a window ledge.
Tight & deep
One last sin before I’m dead.
A sucking holy wind
Will take me from this bed tonight.
And bloody wits
Another hits me & I have to say goodbye.
And I hope it’s a sweet ride
Here for me tonight
‘Cause I feel I’m going
Feel I’m slowing down.
~RIP Chris Cornell~
Swelling keeps injuries from hurting to their full extent, and being angry does the same thing for feelings/matters of the heart. I have no idea how bad this is going to ache when the ‘swelling’ subsides, but how could I be so completely stupid and let this happen?… I know it’s my fault, for my ‘actions’,.. for being so fucked up it just got too be too tiring…
Still, my heart was exhumed after a LONG, cold winter, and here it is time to put it away again… I’m not happy about that, or happy w/the woman doing it…(my ‘fault’ or not…).
I have no answer or idea what to do about any of this,… But this is kicking the shit out of me pretty bad… like REALLY bad. The thought of her just erasing me like this… It’s devastating.
Whatevs, suppose I need to drift back into the rock n’ roll… it’s the only place where I can still make sense of anything.
til next time… -T.
“Well I guess it’s no surprise
sex led to suicide
Don’t want to be alone
one bullet gets me home.
I can’t help the things I do
when I blackout.”
I followed someone out to the desert,… That someone won’t even speak to me now. I want to get revenge for being shunned so absolutely & unceremoniously, and send her world into a tailspin… Crush her mercilessly.
But for now I’m hesitating…. I’m in a bad place where everything is low for me right now,.. and her dissolving our friendship hasn’t fully sank in which is why I haven’t gone nuclear just yet.
What’s the old saying, ‘we only hurt the ones we love?’ Well I still love her for some reason,…. so maybe I’ll just hurt myself instead.
Something donned on me a couple-few years back, but it didn’t sink in like it’s sinking in of late. I’m in my late 40’s and am soon to start looking for a new job outside of porno. Other than cleaning pools, I have NO job experience that will mean a damn thing on paper. And what’s worse?.. I have not ONE person I can use as a reference for what I’ve been doing for the past 15 years….
So hear I am, nearly 50, totally out of shape mentally & physically, and am looking for ‘labor’ based employment since I don’t have a Hi-School diploma or GED equivalent. There’s a technical term for my current situation I have going on, it’s called ‘TOTALLY FUCKED’…lol. I shouldn’t be laughing at this,.. it’s brutal. It’s been terrifying me the past few months too, making it almost impossible to chop scenes, so now my stores are failing,.. and they’re my only income now that I’ve separated completely from Mike since August.
This isn’t going to end pretty… or, I get the feeling this is all going to snafu beyond my ability to recover… Whatevs,.. just wanted to throw this out there before I go over the falls in this wooden barrel.
You can’t let it bleed nowadays like the old writers could,.. things online are too instantaneous and now that social media is involved, if you want to be honest about something, even your own damn self, it can end up being more trouble than it’s worth. Used to be the words went out & stayed out… they amassed and became your own territory, a place where the reader could sit down and know you from the inside out, and not tear you apart from the inside out like now.
That’s what it all is (now),… instant reply and opinion. If I really open up here about certain things that are going on in my life the past few years, there’s a strong chance it’ll come back to me thru Twitter be it directly-indirectly… And I just don’t want to fucking deal with that… I don’t, sorry.. wish I was more fearless. But the denizens of XXX are dregs at best, and I’ve still a few toes dipped in that toxic pond for a while longer. The creatures in and around that pond feed on static…. There’s no time for static and noise and explanation, apologies,.. or what the fuck ever… Which causes me to keep it sparse here, and that’s a shame because talking to myself out loud (which is what this is..), can really take some things of my mind/shoulders whenever the pills and alcohol can’t do it.
Guess I can go back to the pen & paper… no one’s ever gonna read those in my lifetime. It’s just my handwriting became too shell-shocked from all of the drinking/hangovers. And the shortening of my attention span too… Made it REALLY hard to last more than a paragraph-two before the words fell apart and became a waste of time, ink, and paper. So I quit. But now that my drinking is far from heavy, maybe the pen won’t be so hard to wield, & I’ll find a new place to lance these wounds that plague my heart so…
Won’t help any of you here that like my parade of grief & defeat… But whatevs,.. I have to be cautious w/what I serve the guests here or they’ll tear the whole place down.
Goodnight,… I’m still tired from getting over the flu, and I’m still hurting over something I can’t write about.
p.s.; thanx to Phil Lynott for the title of this post… Your music is still helping me keep the frayed & tattered edges together when nothing else can. ~RIP~
That’s the word you click when looking for jobs at casinos/hotels online. It’s clear that unless you have a line in, are over-qualified, or are some young body that they can beat to shit for entry level $$$, you have about a 5% of getting hired. That word ‘careers’ had me thinking about how if you want to work for yourself, you basically have to pay your way in… Some trades you can splinter off, and get your own thing going, but otherwise you gotta have that startup money to launch.
Pops got his chunk of money from his wrongful termination case back around 95′, and somehow found a route to buy out in the Valley, I think from asking/kicking around the pool store (Superior). Maybe he found it advertised in the Recycler?… Either way he went for it right as he was in his early 60’s, and was driving to-from the Westside every day learning that route and the trade day in-out like a real man, never really griping like most would about that drive alone. If I was have the worker he was…
There’s NO doubt my longest tenured ‘career’ is over,… there is just no way I can earn a living off of porno anymore. I’m not cut out for the post-production to keep up w/my site updates and tube page in order to keep the fans buying… It’s been 3 years now I’ve been working on this, and still have good traction all things considered, but I’m also burned out on the landscape and the performers. The ‘trade’ aspect of XXX is cool because there’s no check to cut, but there’s also no danger or level of intensity expected from anyone. Sure, sometimes the gals are great because they actually like sex & don’t care that I’m an old ghoul, but most of them (in the trade environ) are just there to put an ass up in the air, take some loads of cum in the face, and then wait for you to hand over the content…
What’s so bad about that? What’s missing? I’ll tell you,..
A release,.. a boxcover,… YOUR titles and pictures… Being part of the ocean that laps at the shores is different than being part of the still-water that fills a pond. You’re IN and running w/everyone at the highest level of something… Shooting your own content is really great for creating something of your own, which I have, and am very proud of,.. but you can only make so much of your own noise. Like a great bar-band that never made a record deal, never went anywhere. You can be the biggest urban legend out there, that’s fine, you’re still not Van Halen & never will be. They got the deal,.. and they RAN WILD w/it…
That’s what it was like shooting your own movies and competing w/everyone at the highest level, and that brought about it’s own inherent drive to keep it going. But alas, dying on the vine can happen to the best of them,… and in this sorry case, did.
So I’m back to figuring out everything, reinforcing myself, and realizing that a ‘career’ is something I’ll be VERY lucky to have again. I can hear my Pops’ voice now.. “Son, sometimes you just have to get up and go to work and worry about it getting better later on. And I know you can do that at least”
Well Pops, I used to,.. and am gonna have to again until another one of those ‘careers’ falls back in my lap….
Let us pray,..lol.
Goodnight, & godbless… ~T.
You have something that keeps you happy? Someone? A goal or responsibility that keeps you believing,.. keeps the fire on. Even when you’re not happy,… miserable, you shake it off because you can. Something important is still in the well.
I haven’t had the flu in YEARS, & it’s kicking the shit outta me. But thankfully, the influenza is running cover for other parts of me that are even more sickly. I can’t recall a month where I had this much straight up fall apart, some of it my doing,.. 100%. Like that’s gonna make it any easier to swallow once the flu steps on out of my life once and for all.
There’s no help on the way, and never has been. It’s just survival instinct, which is it’s own cruel trap that I seen with mine eyes from the front row.
It’s just another tough month that I gotta get through one more time,… until the next one comes knocking.
After 15 years of doing AVN shows, I decided to see what Internext was like for the 1st time today. Got a late start since I’m still sick from the beer & xannies on Thursday nite so I didn’t make it to the Hard Rock til about 2:45/3:00… My 1st attempt at getting my badge failed so I went to have a late breakfast at that Mr. Lucky’s spot they have there. My good pal Sheri/Lady Pittsburgh wrangled my badge for me so after my meal I strolled over to see this ‘expo’ for the 1st time.
Lots of free stuff,… lots of people in ties and skinny jeans,.. lots of people I don’t consider ‘porno’ in any way, shape or form. Just a bunch of geeky salamanders slithering around doing the side of the business I can’t stand & don’t comprehend….
I got the hell out of the Hard Rock down about $70 from lunch and a failed run at Plants vs. Zombies realizing it’s all extremely close to being over once & for all (for me) in XXX… And even though that kinda sucks, it’s totally fine since I’m grudging every single aspect of the business now…
I wish I had some better drugs other than just xannies since I really want to get fucked up again for my birthday today, but not in a benzo way… But since I don’t, I guess I won’t.
The old hardcore records feel/sound a little better than usual… Maybe that’s my real gift of the day,.. a feeling from the past when things were still entirely honest & not some charade of trying to make everything look 50 times bigger than it really is.
Fuck off Internext,… I won’t be back.
“Who cares about this world,
everything seems so blurred.”
Soooo, my 48th birthday is this weekend. After all these years it’s real easy to see what I want. I’d like someone to give me an actual time machine so I can return to May 8th, 97′, which was the day we all went to Magic Mountain together. If I can have that day back, I’d let Donna go to sleep in the house & then I would drink all of the liquor left over & drown myself in the pool we had at the Community Ct. house (which we were renting). I’d beat her to the punch so I could die happy,… as happy as I could ever be, knowing what was waiting for me 6 days later.
I know it’s cruel but, I’d totally do that to her now, knowing what the last 21 years were like (high & low,..it wasn’t all worthless) and knowing how empty it all gets far too often. At (nearly) 48 all of the jokes wear thin & you see the method to all of the bitter madness that befalls the countless faces you saw & knew all the way up to this point. You learn why things can’t unsour…. Or, why they don’t I should say.
Sooooo, if any of you are kind enuff to find me one of those actual time machines then please bring it by so I can be on my way. If not,… then you’ll just have to stick around for more (& more) bitterness….
Sure, you REALLY put a bad one on me girl, but Donna, I love you always. ~ T.
~Visalia, Ca. 91’~
It must be a luxury of some sort, being mistaken. The luxury of having had trysts w/a bevvy of women over the years on and off camera can lead to the misunderstanding(s) of when I write something down here, they think I’m ‘anonymously’ typing these words about them.
Well, I am not.
These dumb cunts are SO self absorbed, crazy, and ENTIRELY clueless to even think for a second I would waste my time on them w/out naming them if they were the one(s) I was waxing about. If I’m keeping someone’s name out of a post here it’s out of respect for THEM… if I’m groaning about being alone it’s because I still miss Donna. I don’t have any secret relationships w/any performers in the XXX talent pool & haven’t since Shibari & I split back in Oct/2013, nor have I tried to cultivate any (w/female performers).
So,.. you’re not welcome for coming into my life in your very fleeting, disposable, & intermittent (at best) capacity only to think you had any entrée to me or my personal feelings. You didn’t, so fuck off. Stay fucked off. If you don’t, then maybe your name WILL appear here…. And you won’t like that.
When you live alone, you find yourself alone more often than not, not in the moment per se, but in actuality.. It’s when you find yourself there, that you wonder, or maybe realize what is or is not left for the rest of your life. Quite often I find myself in a place on non-existence, of no balance or weight. The alcohol never leads me there, but it does show me the way as contradictory as that may sound (or even be).
It doesn’t matter who I am or what I’m doing anymore… age has shown me SO clearly that we are here one day, and gone the next, so who fucking cares what is left behind once you/we/I finally become that next… We actually do NOT get to decide who we were or how we’ll be remembered once it’s over, and why should we care, because it will all be over. Coveting or remembering is for the living, and that’s a book I tend to write here every other post. The zero gravity of being alone just helps clarify (to me) that we don’t take anything w/us, and great or small, we only matter for a short span of time, if at all before it’s over….
What the hell am I saying here?.. Why this dreary, almost morbid post…?
The message is that mundane or not,.. alone or not,.. ‘important’ or not,… we all just get to live while we can, and there’s no shame in any of the above. It’s a-ok to have done absolutely nothing w/your life, or to have thrown it away in some unceremonious, insulting way to those under-privileged types that will never see a break go their way. So what,.. it’s your life,.. throw it the fuck away if you want.. Some over-achiever will eventually show up and erase your memory, trust me.
It’s a bit sad to feel the alone. When you actually feel it you feel how much you don’t matter, or don’t really exist, and that it’s not a big deal to go away once and for all. Because at some point, we’re all going away once and for all anyways…..
I know why I have to live (and be) alone so often, and feel the non-existence in heavy doses. Because I died a long time ago. I wouldn’t avoid or run from everything in sight if that weren’t the case….
These are just words of emptiness. Words of not reaching out or caring. Honest admissions of quitting and hiding. Terribly candid expressions of not knowing what’s left or who to be. It’s embarrassing, yes… even humiliating to some degree to be so ‘human’ in moments like this. But I hate dishonesty & don’t want to lie about still being lonely & miserable & weak all these years later…. ~T.von.
When the heart is heavy, you look for ways to get away form it… away from your own heart because it’s driving you crazy since you know you’re in a place you can’t quell or solve. You’re at the precipice of a heartbreak,.. or maybe thrust back into one that never fully healed. Both will tear you apart equally…
Phil’s anniversary is just the extra weight on top of a personal crush that brought me here to put a few words down before I leave to drink & disappear into whatever toxins I have at arms length to get me into tomorrow. Phil Lynott helped me a thousand times or more get through some of the toughest crushes I’ll ever see, so out of respect I wanted to honor him w/a few words on this day he left back in 86, which happened to be my niece Erica’s 2nd birthday.
Thank you Philo,.. you were nothing short of pure gold.
~ T. von.
And at sea with flowing hair,
I’d think of Dublin.
Of Grafton street and Derby Square,
And for those of whom I really care, and you
When the headaches clear, and all of the fluids are moving freely around my skull, I can finally feel a bit of a glow since the swelling and aches & pains are gone.. It’s SO seductive, tempting me to keep pouring one after the other and return to that nether realm of non-existence where nothing in the world touches you, unless it actually does.
I’ve spent YEARS in that nether-realm,….. but my body can’t take the return from any longer, so I have to be VERY careful, or selective w/the times I decide to take a deep dive. It’s like only being able to surface fish, skimming for Johnny Bass, Perch, or Calico Bass instead of going down to the depths for some fat halibut with your hooks loaded with bait, and pulling up a string heavy w/success.
The rewards of disappearing like that were immeasurable for a guy like me who hated being alive and unsure where he fit once his lady was dead & gone, leaving him no guardrail OR guiding light. When there’s no grace in your life, you don’t know any. Sorry if that sounded stupid, but it’s not… If you’ve never known or had grace in your life, then you can’t relate, sorry for you I suppose. But once you lose it, you’re inner approach to structure, function, and honest intention start to dissolve.
Which takes us back to that nether-realm I keep bringing up, AND tonight…. The drugs took away my headache, and the beers had me swimming freely again, but my memory is looong, and my desire to keep swilling has been thwarted (momentarily) by the reality of what an agonizing fate awaits me tomorrow if I don’t hit the brakes and end this bending of my elbows..
I want to disappear again tonight, but am showing restraint for some reason. This tug of war is a lose-lose since I can’t fully enjoy myself, and I can’t fully live pain OR alcohol free….
If only there was someone in my life that would allow me to not hate myself any longer, that would work wonders for this reclamation project. It would give me plenty of reason to pull it back together & stop the self-hate train from rolling on 20+ years. Oh wait, I found someone whom I thought was THAT person not too long ago, but in the end, was mistaken. I mis-calculated yet again and had to be reminded there was only ONE true to my heart, & I to hers. The years of hopeful talk appeared to have crept in a little too deep and had me thinking something like that could actually be possible, when it never was.
Cruelty abounds in this world, you need to have a palate for it so that you might not take too many lumps whenever it shows up un-announced and trick you into thinking things are going to work out. It was my fault that this latest cruel joke happened to me, and it’s quite humiliating to be honest. How can you let yourself slip THIS hard at this age? Well, I made the mistake of believing I’m not meant to be bitter and alone the rest of my life for a few months, and then came crashing down onto that bed of nails like always where I wake up screaming at myself for listening to anyone but myself for ONE second.
I knew better,… but I wanted to be happy again, and at the time she did make me,… SO happy. But that in itself was wrong, as I knew my path was already laid out in front of me & I was a COMPLETE fool to think otherwise. There’s no storybook endings for anyone.
The nether-realm helped me survive these bitter truths to my life for 20 years, but now that I can no longer dwell there like I used to (& still long to), it’s time to find a new way to cozy up side-side w/these realities that have left me malcontented and lonely. Like there’s any cozy-ing up to that?..
We don’t get to choose who we love. And we don’t get to choose what punishment the world will bring us for doing so….
p.s.; part of what I meant at the end there is, it REALLY hurt to finally feel something in my heart after 20 years only to realize that person can’t love me the same way. Not even close to the same way, but I kept hoping it was ‘I’ that could bring about the change and get her to go deeper, which was as equally hopeful as it was arrogant, and eventually humiliating.
I wanted her to love me, all the way, and I totally admit that. But, I know absolutely if that would’ve happened, it would’ve been disastrous at some point so I’m (honestly) glad that was avoided. The bitter taste currently in my mouth is just more acknowledgment that I missed again, in a big way. The (personal) crash and burn that happened thereafter is what’s hurting and continues to remind me that some things are not meant to be…
That part doesn’t hurt at all to say, for some reason…. but thinking about the person I can’t have tears at me daily….
Never realized what an ultra-masochist I am, being so convicted to this & that only to have it haunt me or deter me from letting myself live again. But, like I like to remind people,…. ~That’s Showbiz~
thank you, goodnight. -T.
“It’s not the night, for sweet revenge
It’s not the night, to end.”
So, just when I think I’m ready to put something together here I instantly feel I need to have an open beer next to me. My head actually started pounding from just thinking about how much damage I’m going to do to myself should I start cracking open the tall-boys…
I, am an alcoholic,… a bad one. Not nearly as often as before, but only because my body can’t take it.. it’s entirely too painful to even swim the shallow depths of years/lifetimes past. And there’s no shame in that, it just causes a paradox of old me vs. new me, whereas I TOTALLY want to inhale beers, but know that it’s certain ruination for sometimes days in a row. Sooo, I go about things actually being afraid of drinking now, which doesn’t help because I’ve spent the last 30 years hand-hand w/guzzling beers every ‘free’ chance I could get. The highs/lows of the drinking is where I’d find my balance.
It was also a way of self destruction that I was comfortable with. There was never any desire for needles in the arm, or anything speedy or in powdered form. Those weren’t for me… so I never picked em’ up. But, now that I can’t really indulge & then weather the storms of headaches, I don’t hardly do anything w/any passion or purpose in my life other than jerking off or sitting in a chair w/a PS4 controller in my hand. It’s like I’m in a fucking nursing home… Worst part about it is that I don’t seem to care.
Without real high or low, I can’t find any stride. Nor any desire. (My XXX career evaporating doesn’t help too much either..)
Whatevs…. that’s what happens when stuff that happened to me happened, and now I’m left an alcoholic who can’t really party anymore.
Yes, I know things can always get worse.. which is why after I finish this post I’m going to the fridge to start working on that REALLY bad headache for tomorrow.
“I’ve been on the beer, I think I’m gonna spew
But what does it matter, there’s nothing I can do.”
-SUB HUM ANS
“…Who’s gonna show this stranger around?”
Not sure why I was somewhat shocked when I saw that it’s basically been two months since I’ve been here.. The paltry post count isn’t helping much either,.. I have become a stranger here at my own page, and I’m a little bit ashamed of that. There were high hopes inside whenever I knew I was leaving Los Angeles once and for all that maybe I could find another wind of inspiration to share my stories for all of you to laugh, cringe, puke, or maybe even weep to…
So, please forgive me for that.. since all (15-20) of you know I’ll not forgive myself.
Just a bit of an update here… It’s become cold lately, and I really thought I’d be more ready/welcome to it, but I’m not. It’s a little tougher than I had expected, but maybe that’s the final realization that I’m no longer pouring 20+ beers down my throat on a nightly basis, AND, that I’m nearing 50. Cold does get colder as we age….
Earlier tonight the crispness of the evening brought back the memories of my first trip out to see Pops as he was starting to decline from his advancing cancer. I had gone up and back to Fresno over the years countless times, but never recalled it ever being that cold, actually frosty like it was that year (2011). The orchards that had trees (peaches/almonds, etc) were all draped in plastic which meant the cold snap was pretty serious, only I had no idea just how cold things were getting for my Pops.
He shared a small shack of a house w/my Uncle Lee Roy that years past housed my grandparents, and many other relations over the 30+ years. That shack was where he & Moms were living when she was killed in the wreck just up the road in 03′. But when I walked in, I saw they were heating the place by running the stove burners full tilt & had a fan blowing the heat around the corner into the living room…
The perfectly good wall heater sat dormant since it was too costly to use on the 30 degree nights… even though, Pops was in hospice, and going to die soon.
So many things made sense when I saw that setup. Why I’m so reluctant & stubborn & unwilling in so many areas of perception and engagement. We were always meant to be on the outside and as uncaged as possible, even if that meant in your 70’s you die a lot harder than you really needed to, all things considered. That,.. was very hard for me to absorb, Pops not having any REAL comforts as he withered away until the morphine doses were over administered and he just disappeared into the place(s) that drug takes you.
The stark memory of seeing that Central Valley the whole way up and back will never leave me since it was so entirely singular on so many levels. The colors of everything in the environ & landscape, the sky, the overall saturated cold that was infused into all I moved through for the first time that way, after moving through maybe 200 times before…
It was a different cold, one that was so beautiful & perfectly matched w/the journey I was now undertaking w/the rest of my family as we all had to see the end approaching for that gentle, endearing man of ours.
This is not easy, and I do not want to inhale more than I have to tonight to endure these hard memories so head-on if I keep writing about this…
So I’ll close this with; It’s a bit colder than I was expecting here, but like all cold-snaps of my past, I’ll warm to them and I’ll hopefully, & maybe finally find a warm place here that will bring me back to all of you more often.
Goodnight to all of you, and goodnight to you, Pops.
Wherever you are now, it’s ok to run the heater, I promise.
Much love, your son,… ~T.
It was fantastic today. It didn’t start fantastic, ’twas on the back-end of a two day migraine, but thankfully had the meds to keep it in check,… not saying it was pain-free either as the first 4-5 hours weren’t friendly to my soft tissue.
But the meds worked their magic with a solid assist from the #1 Combo from Der Wienerschnitzel and the skies opened, pain free, paving the way for work to get done and pleasure to be had.
It’s a real relief for me whenever my mind works, as it traps me constantly w/confusion and doubt. Aging is definitely not helping that daily tv show and it’s re-runs of multiple steps forward followed by countless steps in every other direction..
But today it went in one direction, one that was splendid.
No, you don’t get details….
“I got a picture of a photograph
Of a wedding and a shell
It’s just a burning, aching memory
I never kiss and tell.”
There was more to the pleasure than that of being inside,… and all of the heavy breathing and the bellies rubbing together vigorously…
As the rarity of time alone evaporated there was no panic, just the horizon and those big signs on all of the buildings shouting at each other, creating a causeway of color and demand that they be seen….
The trust was flavored differently today, and is even still completely intoxicating to realize.
Dare I say I feel so happy that I don’t even have the words for it….
I can’t stop smiling inside. And haven’t felt this warm in over 20 years.
The rarity of ending on a ‘high note’ around here just happened…
Could this be my last night on the couch? Seems like it, even though I don’t have hardly any of my furniture.. looks like I’ll be on the air-mattress til I can get back South and rustle up what I have in storage. As much as sleeping on this couch is brutal, I now have the muscle memory down and am kinda comfy filling the space here at my niece’s pad. Or maybe I should say filling the space here when no one’s around… BIG difference.
It’s been a while now(about 6 weeks), & I can tell the denizens want their old space back after I’ve totally commandeered the entire front part of the house & stomp around well into the wee hours EVERY night. But hey, that’s Uncle Swiney… what’d you think you were getting?.. lol
Even though I do my best to ‘see me’, there’s ever only going to be so much of that picture that I can. Try that sometime,.. it’s very helpful.. but you only get a partial glimpse whereas they see ALL of us head-toe, good & lame. Moving on and out of here in the next 12 hours or so, I’m EVER grateful to my niece, her fiancée, and my other niece for tolerating the overweight presence and ultra-soaked personality of T. von Swine under their roof w/out once asking me for a penny..
They’re my family, and I love them dearly.. this type of co-existing is something I’ve not done since the turn of the century when I was still living w/Mom & Pops after I lost Donna.. What’s that, 20 years almost? (yikes) Sure I’m tempered now and not drinking everything in sight, but I still kind of take over spaces I’m in without trying, which has been an important lesson I needed to learn/re-learn about myself.
You can know something, even about yourself, to a little or large degree, but until it’s applied in real time it’s still only theory per-se`. And here I’ve re-learned that fish tank theory I used to talk about from time-time in the older posts that were wiped out. You know, like that time you wanted an aquarium but wasn’t sure about the batch of fish you were buying to live together? Somewhere in between your Mollies, Angel Fish, Neons, Barbs, and Gourami’s you happened to have a Jack Dempsey wind up in the mix. After some time there’s fewer fish in the tank until you realize that the fish too big for the Dempsey to fit in his mouth make sure to stay out of his way because it’s now his space.
He’s not trying to be a dick, it’s just all he knows; to make the space his. No crime in that is there?
Lesson (re)learned; I need to be in my own tank. I need my own space or my elbows will eventually come up & then the friction starts. And the last thing I ever need is friction w/those I hold dear like my family.. So, thankfully I have a new place to move into tomorrow.. air mattress and all… lol.
Side note; somehow I ended up on the ‘High n Dry’ LP by Def Leppard today and can’t quite get off of it yet…. I’ve always been a little critical of this one since it’s SO flavored w/Angus & Malcom’s tones/riffs (IMO), which LARGELY is to due w/Mutt Lange producing it. Still, the more times I let it spin I’m finding some really great guitar work between Clark/Willis. Clark had a lot of darkness under the surface of his soulful playing, whilst Willis really helped drive those rhythms on their only true rock n roll album. Because I don’t give a damn what anyone on the planet says, these guys went into the arena metal phase for Pyromania…
Now why on earth am I schilling for this band/album at all? Well, I love honest rock n roll, and this LP has that. A lot of it. Unfortunately, they fired Willis and Clark eventually died from alcohol….which erased the main sources of what I liked about their/this material so much. Bummer…. But, that’s rock n roll…
This LP also helps me feel the early 80’s again which is nice since I hadn’t had my heart buried yet. The faces and times and places were all soaked in that golden California sunshine back then… regardless of being high or low. Or, High n Dry.
~RIP Steve Clark~
You can’t regret time,… it does what it does to us and then you’re stuck with the wreckage…
Some of my wreckage is that I’m so harried and panicked I can’t physically write my journals any longer, and that’s a REAL bummer… It’s like I have shell-shock now whenever I grab the pen,… and that’s SUCH a defeat.. makes me feel like even more of a loser since it’s an actual handicap in my life. And being handicapped is torture, in any form..
This whole writing in real-time is brutal since you’re always thinking about INSTANT opinion due to the social media aspect of everyone’s life now.. Sure, I always have something to say, but you can’t just put it out there and let it hang like ALL writers past… they had the convenience of writing their asses off and letting it speak for itself, which it still does in most ways,.. but not like now where things are dissected in a matter of hours vs. a matter of years.
Bukowski would’ve died on the vine in 2017….
And no,.. I don’t compare myself to ANY writers, ever. I just write things down and I know the difference.
But, the journals were a place for me to unchain myself, and find the root of my feelings, regardless of whether or not anyone ever read what I had to say. Which is in essence, your first proof read for any writing you want to do, right? Blood first, ink second.
Maybe you can sense where I’m going with this one, but it’s a preface for me hopefully (and finally) settling some scores. I’m not happy with a couple of people, and I don’t necessarily need to set any records straight, I just need to say how I saw what went down, and tell these individuals to completely fuck off once and for all, because they deserve it. Look, if I’m upset w/someone, then it’s 100% THEIR fault, EVERY time. This is an arena where I never play fair, because of how fair I do play leading up and until any & all falling out.
If there was a falling out, no biggy, things happen, don’t work out, etc., that’s just the way of the world. But if you have some venom for me after-the-fact, whereas I have had NONE publically, then at some point I have to come at you and do my best to hurt you.
So, ANYONE who’s taken some shots at me, had choice words, gone out of their way to mock or (unintentionally) smear me, then you’re coming up to the guillotine soon and getting your head chopped off.
It’s ok if (any/all of) you wanna come back over the top, fanbois in-tow and all, because this is where the jump off point starts for me; I’m not a thirsty nigga, I don’t chase skirts and beg for scraps… I drink alcohol and eat pills and do everything my way, and it’s high-time maybe I started becoming a bit more venomous, since that seems to be all of you morons know in your realms of instant adulation and repeated pleas for flattery since the INSTANT anyone tells you no, or refuses you on any tangible level, all you can think to do is turn into pestilent children and run screaming for help against someone who stood their ground against you.
You (kids these days) are all born with thin skin and that’s your problem, not mine. If you can’t take an honest ‘no’, or get caught lying about trying to manipulate a situation then, fuck you…
So, the arsenal is getting stocked…. If you’re on the receiving end just remember; it IS personal, and it IS your fault. I don’t care if I start fights I can’t win, because when a fight is necessary I have to show up and do as much damage as I can…
lates,… ~ Swiney
Not sure how easy it is for all of you to convince (or lie) to yourselves, but I can’t seem to do either. I know it’s apathy,.. it’s consumed me. So now even when I CAN tell myself something & acknowledge it, there’s only so much time I have to move forward w/it before it’s deflated and it’s back to levels of detachment that confound me to even try and describe/type about..
But, luckily, there’s an occasional moment or glimpse of truth I can find,.. even if that truth will only exist in and around my dominion, it’s still concrete enough to not be washed away by daily tides of apathy that wash in and out of my consciousness. If I can bind myself to this/these truths, I’m pretty sure I can gain a foothold internally to stem, or even temporarily shake off the apathetic episodes long enough to get in here and stay here until I get all of these writings/entries finished.
The truth is; what I say here doesn’t matter to anyone, only me. What I write here doesn’t have any real gravity, outside of mine. I need to free myself of worry or concern of those I’m going to anger or crush w/my admissions or judgments, because it is high-time I applied detachment (aka apathy) more directly and more often.
Big talk so far,…. Long shot that the foothold will take, but if it does, you’ll all have plenty to chew on again around here.
It’s one more process of getting over myself that can get me to where I need to be to open up again, and God-willing, deeper than ever before. Both darker & lighter,…. that’s important.
If I can keep telling (or lying) to myself that my words and my stories are just that, and that they exist, reasons or not non-withstanding, then I can let them exist free of worry because they need to. This page here is all mine…. It has no value. But if someday what I write here puts you or whoever might deserve it in tears, then that was necessary too. Even if only I say so.
Oh my,.. I’m (almost) getting pithy already….
Goodnight………………. ~ Swiney
So,… earlier today I did something I can’t recall doing for at least 20 years, and that was playing in an actual hockey game before 5:00 pm. In fact, today’s game started at 9:00 a.m., so of course I was late and missed warm-ups which meant no stretching of any sort either. I knew I’d be sore afterwards, but didn’t imagine there’d be any problems w/me playing in my 4:40 p.m. tilt but,..
As I got moving around to have lunch, etc., a familiar sensation returned to the right side of my body, the feeling of someone burying an axe into my hip,..lol.
Well, not quite that bad, but the old injury (that DID feel that bad the first 72 hours) from May 3rd is definitely aggravated, shelving me from getting on the ice for our pending 4:40 faceoff.. I’m bummed mostly for my buddy Dave who paid for me to play in this weekend tourney, but even that is minimal since he’s skating w/a crew of guys that aren’t all that fun.. Now, in all fairness, I’ve only skated w/these dudes ONCE, but I can get a good drift of people I can and will gel with, and this crew…. is leaving a lot to be desired from the onset.
Which means, again, I’m not skating in the 4:40 p.m. tilt… The ‘axe bite’ is keeping me in the stands, baby… And I don’t really care… ~ Swiney
Well,.. it’s more an apology for being entirely stupid. After having shelved this operation almost absolutely, or at the least for major spells of time, I completely forgot about the 80+ entries I had sitting in the trash folder potentially being lost for good if they dwelled there too long.
To which they did, and were.
That, is an unacceptable error on my behalf. Simply because of the documentation that was lost that will be impossible to recreate about people no longer with us and what their lives added to the world that far too few ever recant or share with the world any longer.
Forgive me, for being one of the most stubborn & most inane morons you will ever meet. Or not,.. that’s fine too, since I don’t see me forgiving myself anytime soon either.
~T.O.W.G.D. von Swine IVth.
Some things need to be referenced, even if they’re trivial, or somewhat trivial, or substantial. I’m completely going off of the board here and about to tell a story that has almost no gravity to it.
With my birthday being in January, I turned 18 in the 2nd half of my senior year in high school, with the end of the year and hopefully a diploma waiting. High school was somewhat of a troubled time (not complaining, just saying I got behind w/my credits, etc. and that was a LOT to try and clean up by school’s end) and after spending the 2nd semester of 10th grade-all of 11th grade at continuation school, I returned to the main campus to try and graduate w/the majority of chums I’d been growing up w/the past 5-6 years.
I wasn’t failing anything, I just wasn’t knocking off enough of the classes at the same pace as everyone else was across the fence at Venice Hi, so when I returned I had to do all 6 periods AND night school. Whatevs, see if I can make it happen,…
Well, I WAS making it happen, until one day it all completely disintegrated in the matter of ONE face-face w/the assistant principal that I knew had ZERO interest in what the fuck ever was going on w/me personally, OR my attempt at grinding myself back on track to graduate like planned.
Mr. Ed Russell was black, and I was a mohawked punker w/plenty of salty intentions whenever confronted by ANY adult, regardless of topic, or who/what their skin color was. Part of my attempted grind had me taking 3 commercial art classes w/1 in the morning, and the final two of the day 5th & 6th period. I got along quite well w/Mr. Elliot, swimmingly at times, but there was occasional friction since we were both fiery personalities but in almost completely opposite capacities. He was an aged French beatnik and understood (& even liked) the punker attitude I was too consumed with, and allowed for a LOT of wiggle room whenever it came to assignments/projects I wasn’t inclined to do as long as he heard the right reasons for my lack of inspiration. Also, I wasn’t a bad artist back then, and he was ok to see my energies work to my strengths on other assignments..
Anyways, he went on vacation for a week and was replaced be a real limp wristed, bitter, and failed art teacher who looked for ANY sign of dissention so he could send you out of class. By day three he was fed up w/me not doing the current task and came over to my desk to have some words. I told him about me & Mr. Elliot’s arrangement and he balked.
“Mr. Elliot’s not here” he said to me dryly, “And you need to start on this assignment now or you’ll get an F on the project & I’m sending you to the assistant principals office.”
“Mr. Elliot’s not here but it IS his class. When he gets back he’ll understand and you’ll be somewhere else. I’m not doing it.” Completely dismissing anything else he had to say about this impasse,….
“Ok, well then I’m writing you up and sending you to the Asst Principals office. Meet me at my desk.”
I instructed him to send me to Jacobs or Gebhardt, NOT Russel, which he did write on the referral, but to no avail, as they were not in the office, and Russel was…
Mr. Russel didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. I was white and was in a city where black youth were heavily involved in violent gangs, drugs, and high risk behavior far worse than I could ever dream of. And, he was somewhat right, I can say that black teenagers were prone to SO much more violence than I was due to the Oakwood/Ghost Town neighborhood and the VSLC gang that was NO joke, even if the set was small.. So cool, I get it, but go looking to make an example out of me to my face,.. I’m not taking that shit from ANYONE, regardless of me being 18 & he being like 45-50..
It boiled down to him insisting I do EVERY art assignment that passed thru my hands, and I said ‘no way’. He said that was ‘suspendible’. I said ‘are you an artist, have you EVER done any artwork in your life?’ Of course his answer was no, but this was my first REAL experience with me vs. the ‘Man’. Mr. Russel was the power that be, and I was the un-agreeable object that was completely unwilling to see his need to enforce and constrict me. But, he had to bring the hammer down in his eyes,.. and when you decide that IS the right decision, then you don’t bring it down lightly…
Now, he didn’t actually suspend me, but that’s because I wouldn’t give him the pleasure as I reminded him of my age and that I was going to straight up walk out of that school and leave him, and ALL of my hard work to try and better myself thru sticking w/my 6 periods AND night school hanging if he didn’t budge and returned me to my class free to do, or not do whatever fucking art assignment I chose being so close to the finish line (this was in April-almost May, and school ended in June.)
He refused, and said I was free to go home for the day after the bell rang(as there was only 6th period left).
The bell rang and I left,.. for the 2nd to last time, but the last time as an attending student, since I returned to ‘sign out’ of all of my classes and say one last farewell to my teachers and staff that were actually halfway decent to me that last year I tried to make it happen.
My report card was 5 F’s and 1 D-. Not sure what that adds up to numerically, but….
Now there’s still a hint or tinge of racial tension in the air on this one, and I’m not denying that. I wanted Mr. Russel to see my problems as a white kid to be just as valid as all of those high risk black youth he coveted so fucking much(and that were my friends), but he wouldn’t. He didn’t care about my mom’s cancer battles and ensuing/ongoing drug addiction from the methadone, etc. He didn’t care that I got hit by a car in 10th grade which sent me off the rails and into continuation school because I was paralyzed w/pain from my spine (literally) being bent out of shape for 3 months, and wasn’t even ABLE to walk to school anymore. I had fainting spells and would walk home after 2nd period since I was BLIND w/pain. It was gnarly..
And I wouldn’t see him either,.. But then I wasn’t supposed to, I was the student that HE was supposed to help irregardless, so fuck him. This is an axe I will ALWAYS grind even if it’s 30 years later and just showed that I’ve always been somewhat impossible to deal with whenever I get irate or feel entitled. Which can be quite regularly… lol.
Anyways, I signed out of high school on ‘principle’ because the assistant principal was a complete dick at the worst time for me and all of my hard work that ended up dashed onto the rocks of stubbornness. Cliché is not cliché whenever it’s accurate, but I have to say; story of my life.
Look, I prolly made a HUGE mistake in flaming the substitute teacher AND Mr. Russel both, whereas who knows what upside would’ve come from me calming down, lying to them about the assignment, or just mailing it in and taking a low grade, etc.. I might’ve actually fucking graduated on time…
But I didn’t because that’s NOT me… I’m aggressive and contentious and extremely volatile whenever challenged on an issue where I feel I have a leg to stand on, so again, fuck those guys. I grew up in Venice and got infected with that ‘war all the time/survival mode’ mindset to a degree that has caused MANY things in my life to blow up in my face. Now, I’ve also blown up in other peoples faces too, and leveraged many people who where/are miles above me in terms of success, wealth, status, etc., which I couldn’t have done if I didn’t stay true to these aggressive bones in my body.
What did we learn here?
- I’m not a high school dropout, I’m a high school sign out..lol.
2. Ed Russel can(STILL) go fuck himself.
3. I will argue and fight tooth & nail, and to the absolute bitter end if I feel I’m being wronged, even if it sets me back enormously.
4. I’m from Venice, Ca. From a special time that will never be the same there, or any of the other unique parts of L.A., Hollywood, San Pedro, Long Beach, Inglewood, etc. There was a different risk to being on and around the streets back then, and it was for SURE waay more grimy and wide open..
5. I went to night school as a teenager. ~O_o~
It’s pretty apparent I was never meant to tackle higher scholastics, as I don’t possess the attention span, I.Q., nor disposition to tolerate those in the position of teaching and or,assistance in ANY type of head-head disagreement. So therefore I became a lifelong alcoholic en route to a 15 year tenure making dirty movies, which (and I say this in ALL earnest) is WAAY more suited to my temperament and inherent shortcomings.
This has been a(sort of) nice trip down memory lane, and has done wonders to remind me what a complete bastard I am whenever I get really riled up, ornery. Perniciousness as a virtue I say…. and say it loudly. Goodnight, ~ von S.
Remember when Pulp Fiction went by the 1st time & Travolta died, and then reappeared as if he didn’t get cut in half by Bruce Willis’ machine gun(well, it was Johnny’s machine gun till Bruce picked it up..)? It was like, wtf just happened??..
Ohh I get it, this movie presented it’s chapters in a 1-3-2 sequence.. Ok, is that brilliant, or is it just Quentin being avant-garde?
Prolly the latter..
Whatever, it was his movie, and he finally was on the map so, “Bully for that nigga…” (S. Jackson in ‘Jackie Brown’)
What I’m going to finally post here is chapter 2 from something I wrote down 15+ years ago I had called the ‘Trilogy of Terror’ which was a 3 part reflection on Donna and the month of May as the years were going by..
What finally pushed me off the cliff was an unexpected chat w/my buddy Miguel at the Japanese spot I frequent about Donna, whom he’d never known about (at least not in any detail). So,… it hurt comin home… I was feeling some very deep bruises that were avoided for the most part last month due to the injury that substantially kept my focus on physical pain management for the better part of 2 1/2 weeks, and not emotional, heartfelt variety.
Some stories you can only tell a certain way,.. only with detail and conviction, even if you can keep channeling the return to the moments that destroyed you ultimately at bay, which I did quite well up until the very end.. The very end it snuck through and I trembled a bit in reflection of my worst tragedy. You hop in the truck at 1 a.m. on those dark streets to head home and you get crushed a little bit, even after 20 years of obliteration and hardening of every layer of your hearts tissue.. No matter how far gone you were or how hard things have become, your eyes are still going to water because you still love her, and she’s still dead…
Let this entry be a potential spring board back into sharing stories,…. I never write/punch the keys when I’m happy and I need to come to terms with that and to terms with not worrying about what any of you think/feel about that. People want to read, even if it’s nothing… If someone were to write 40 years of nothing but a mundane existence, it would be fascinating/riveting in it’s own right.. And yet here I hem & haw about sharing a life of ONLY high & low in fears that I won’t write anything worth remembering. I shouldn’t care, I know that.
But I’m caught in between caring and not… I’ve been stuck there for 20 years.
The journey backwards into horror begins soon, but not tonight since the toll will poison me for days as I’ll drink everything in sight should I choose to tussle with the demon who penned my life’s most cruel act…. Not tonight, but soon.
No more from the middle, only from a slighted angle. Only sharp edges and pointed ends. Barbed-wire & belt-sanders.
Soon…. I promise. ~ T. von
There’s not many of us, a finite number, with the ranks thinning as days/years come & go. The product of a vacuum of time & culture between 1965-1985, those of us born & raised, or even just raised in Venice Ca., are of a different breed.
I wouldn’t be this toxic monster had I not hatched out of that surf ghetto, living in the ocean pre-Heal The Bay and always getting ear infections since there were no warnings or postings of high bacteria or nuclear waste levels then.
Public school & gangs, divorce, backyard keg parties, violent gigs all over town, everyone be it friend/family strung out on something, friends dying or getting killed… And all of the same for most of your friends in their households… It was the realization that the post WWII America was COMPLETELY dead and gone, and now no matter your skin color, everything in California was a free for all from there on out. Don’t be too soft or too trusting to anyone…
As I near 50 I’m just as untrusting & judgmental.
Wary of those around me as I entered XXX many years ago, that’s only intensified as all of my presumptions came to the surface around me like being in the lineup surrounded by pieces of styro-foam and plastic bottles as you scrape to make it outside and not get pounded by the oncoming set. I knew it was toxic, and I still paddled out anyways…. That’s what we all did, because for some stupid reason we all lived in survival mode, never believing any of us were going to be able to taste success or wealth, or even just basic day-day adult security that people you didn’t like or align with all seemed to have.
When you don’t believe something is for you, then you’re never going to have it.
I don’t believe in any of the people around me in XXX. I don’t believe in myself. I don’t know that I have ANY belief left,… mostly just bitterness and jealousy and contempt.
Yes I drive people away too fast. Yes I’m lonely. Yes I’m venomous. And yes I do look into the mirror and see who’s to blame.
The jellyfish sting you when they touch you regardless, no matter your station in this world. The waves pound you without mercy because you’re there inside them like liquid concrete, punishing you like nothing else on this planet. The riptide abuses you relentlessly, forcing you out, or away, or under, because it can & will. The seagulls take the food from your blanket, attended or not because it’s theirs too. The dolphins move through you with confidence, frivolity, power & majesty in their pods, or even as lone nomads, reminding what wizardry underneath the water is, personified.
The children of the sea are not concerned if they’re wrong, or venomous, or too powerful…. They are of a different breed and they have to write their own rules as they exist, even if that means demise….
Should I ever touch the ocean again I might grow 20 ft. tall, and yet I might dissolve like a sand castle that was never really there in the first place…
Don’t forgive me for anything I ever do, or don’t do. You know where I’m from and what I’ve always been,…
Twenty years ago I was standing besides the grave that Donna had just been lowered into as people came by to throw dirt & pay the last of respects, when Anni, Mike’s mother, put her hand on my shoulder & said, “It gets easier”…
In twenty years I don’t know if much of anything has gotten easier, but that’s not anyone’s fault, and Anni still wasn’t wrong in her assurance. My trail of tears sure hasn’t stopped, but I am still here, and it is because I never forget something honest and heartfelt that’s said or given to me, like she did as I stood there over Donna’s coffin, my life in absolute ruin.
She meant well, and it did help, if even only today, exactly twenty years later to the day. Thank you Anni, and Mike, and Glen,… you were(are still) some of my sturdiest of crutches, and prove that only(mere) words can sometimes ground me, and remind me that what is, is what is, and tomorrow is just something I have to make it to no matter how crestfallen or despondent I may be on the inside.
We make it to tomorrow, until we can’t. When I can’t, it won’t matter if you don’t forgive me. Because what is, will be what is for you, and you’ll take that into tomorrow until…
The funeral is over, and the grave covered. For twenty years. ~
Not one,.. do I want to speak about today. What it is, what was, what it has done, what it represents. I’m over it, and yet I never will be. See, I AM trying to heal. But healing does NOT mean moving on like all of you suggest or believe, that’s never been how it works. ‘Moving on’ from your heart is basically impossible, but I’ll let you ponder that on your own time/terms, unless you happen to find out directly(which is rough, trust me).
For 20 years this day has done me so many ways, but for the 20th year to be paired w/Mother’s Day it was almost too cruel to be true. Either way, my tearing my hip flexor back on the 3rd put me in SO much pain, that it served as a direct buffer and distraction from this heartache that was hanging over me like a crow on a wire, waiting his turn to haunt me. Agony vs. agony,.. that’s been the true solution this whole time?
Goodbye May 14th, you’re gone for another year. And even though I say this to myself EVERY year, I’ll say it aloud this time, that I don’t care if I never see you again.
My loved ones don’t mean to haunt me, they still love me as much as I them, but our love is connected to where they are now through a mournful loss, leading me, to actually haunt myself.
Sure, I’m my own ghost story. You’re not and good for you. As far as May 14th goes I’d rather not say another word about it. Not now, not…..
Goodbye Donna, goodbye Moms,… I love you both, endlessly.
My attention span isn’t great right now, but lets see if I can still make this happen since I’m trying to avoid writing off of inspiration and switch to writing off of concrete feelings, emotions, memories, or events. This is going against my attempts to stop writing from the middle, where I tend to be too fair, or considerate. I really don’t want to write that way anymore…
On Sunday I/we hit 20 years… Sunday is also Mothers Day, so that’s a nice touch that needed to be acknowledged.
I think what I’m MOST tired of is how other people process MY pains and tragedies all these years on, regardless of how long they’ve been in my life. I’m tired of hurting too. I’m also tired of wanting to quit, but I still do. I don’t find joy anywhere… Now, so what, grow the fuck up Swiney, tens of millions of people have it worse than you do, or ever did. Well, newsflash; I don’t care about those tens of millions of people…
I cared about Donna, and she fucked up and died. And I told myself a couple of years post tragedy that I wasn’t ever returning to being a regular guy again because comin’ home to anyone but her wasn’t going to cut it. I could suffer with her. I could lose fights and get my nose broken & have two black eyes for a week when she was around. I can’t with anyone else… I saw those movies, and no offense, those women just couldn’t find a way to be my best friend. Tough shoes to fill, for sure, probably impossible,.. but so what. That became the standard, and it remained, forever cursing me in my life’s endeavors of the heart…
Well until last year when I fell in love w/a married gal… who couldn’t and WOULDN’T be mine (more importantly), again dashing me headlong onto the rocks of loneliness and despair. This wasn’t a blessing or curse this time around though, it just was, and it has added to my continued existence of extremes, which is all I’ll ever know…
On the 405 today I had Donna come through my mind because of what was on the stereo, only it didn’t pull on my heartstrings. The muscles are overdeveloped around my heart and have only the thinnest of cracks to sneak thru.. When they do it goes ALL the way to the center, and that hurts,.. but this didn’t, it was just more acknowledgement of what was, and who I’ve become 20 years A.D.
I’m someone who struggles internally. I struggle often,..daily at times. My depression IS real, even if only I say so, since I know how suffocating it is, and I will make no apologies for my weaknesses.. I’m completely over any concern or worry you might have of me still wallowing, or copping out, because I get through my day how I need to. And if I have to take things out of every set of hands around me to get by, then I will. If I have to slouch on this 40 year old mattress 5 days a week, then I’m going to do that too, since that’s the only way I’ve been able to survive my heart being decimated from the moment I received that phone call from Emily on May 14th that she was dead..
Sometimes I can feel how tired you get of my grieving, or of my cloud that can appear out of nowhere to make it seem that all I have to cling to is tears, and sob stories. But look, I can’t apologize for any of that, that would be betrayal, and would have made the 20 year penance pointless, devalued. So I won’t,… I’ll just leave this statement here for you to digest as I near starting a new chapter in my life now that my porno ‘career’ has all but died, leaving me few, if any options left that will keep me out of the grasp of the regular world again, which I know will destroy me, much like it was doing back in 2003…
The epiphany I had that day at Emmanuel Jones’ pool told me too much, and still tells me clearly, why I had to depart normalcy.. A clock, boundries, expectations, confinements, routes, structure,… ALL had become completely toxic to me on all levels, and I needed to bolt before I finally did something drastic, which I would have. I was not far from my first 3-4 day hangover in 2003, and had I not had porno to remain somewhat in control for, would’ve seen the alcohol & Xanax/codeine/Vicodin levels remain above the water line. I was still angry then, and not quite aware of what was eating at me a few layers under the surface, which was the growing realization that ‘joy’ was no longer in my life, and henceforth was creating a new plateau of despair, humiliation, and self loathing.
The real/regular world was crushing me, causing paranoia and anxiety, and making me question why I was even still alive? Outside of not wanting to upset/depress people I couldn’t find a reason(to not kill myself/O.D.). Surely I had no purpose. But deep down, I don’t want to die. On the ‘Damaged’ LP the track ‘What I See’ has a line where Henry says,
“I wanna live, I wish I was dead.”
Completely caught in the middle of a realization… The fusion of confusion.
That day I decided jettison everything possible in my life leading up to my hand touching the gate, because I knew I couldn’t play the game straight up anymore.. The real world was winning, and me walking away from it, NEVER participating in it again, was my only hope.
I was right… and still am.
I’m not coming back. Donna’s not coming back. The woman who’s still alive that I fell in love with isn’t coming back. NOTHING is coming back. So the plan stays the same; take everything from everyone every chance and every opportunity. Outperform when possible. Out think/outfox everyone when outrunning and defeating the strong isn’t an option.
How do you think I’m still here, and able to write this? I only win when I have to.
My Moms’ is talking too much here, sending me all of this vigor and pugnacity from the other side. Getting hurt last week has been a real reminder of how old I’m getting, and how close I am to absolute peril if I get hurt again at the wrong time since I have NO savings, NO real income, NO health insurance, NO one to bail me out.. It’s all I’ve ever known though, how do you change that? You don’t, it changes you.
That’s all for now…. – T.von
It is that time once again. All of the songs that remind you of who’s gone appear without ever appearing. They are part or your synapse so deep where it’s the only place the heart & brain can connect to catalogue only that which is entirely tragic, or entirely joyous.
Did I really survive 20 years of this? Is what’s left of me 20 years later even considered surviving??
Winter has come and with it it’s harrowing tales of history that even the deepest oceans of alcohol could not re-write… We CAN believe what we want. And we can again be reprimanded in the cruelest of fashions by absolute truth.
Donna Carol Presba is still dead. And I’ve never been the same since….
None of it is working. Not the escape. Not the solutions. Not the creativity. Not the drugs. Not the resolve.
I wish it were easier to actually quit once and for all instead of all of this slamming of my face repeatedly into concrete, year in-out.
I wish, I wish, I……
………………not anytime soon anyways.