It’s apparent to me that I am not a Phoenix that rises, but one that crashes down hard, and in flames INTO the ashes instead of out of them…
I’ve again burned all of my prior entries here at Belligerent Purity as I plan on once again trying to discover something in these ashes that are my life, my friendships, my failures, my days above ground that have seen me squander my abilities and talents as if they were something to be trivial and cavalier with, when they are anything of the sort.
Down here in the ashes is the essence. The essence of my dead friends, my wife, my inabilities to put aside personal tendencies & instincts to truly push forward when there was actual opportunities around me… In the ashes is my disease of alcoholism which is most likely sitting next to my apathy… I had to crash this blog page again in hopes of returning with fewer apologies and fewer fears… Yes, I am entirely afraid of speaking my real truths or opinions and having this instantaneous world of social media circle back upon me with torches and ropes and guillotine operators after me in droves like Frankenstein’s Monster..
But watching what became of my friend Brandon Hurdle will hopefully help me overcome that fear… Maybe I’ll finally stand up to EVERYONE on this goddamned planet like others are able to do after seeing one of the ONLY people who directly tried to keep me positive during the period of me dry-clicking my .45 to my head hang himself because he couldn’t find a place for himself in the living world anymore…
This about going forward. This is about not being able to process my friend hanging himself. This is about the struggle to find purpose in middle-age. This is about trying to find those crystals and gems of life down in those ashes that are born from the extreme heat of life’s collision & friction & combustion…
I’m uneasy. It’s not easy, seeing Brandon do that to himself.
So again I will crash down with all of my white heat into those ashes that always see my return to search and find and maybe someday rise away, forever.
Goodnight Brandon,… missing you & your genuine friendship for years to come.
-T. von Swine