None of it was ever meant to happen, as there was never a plan or desire to end up there as an actual player in the adult landscape. My epiphany at Mr. Jones’ place will always connect the world I was soon to leave with the world I am still in now, 15 years later…
Dec 2002-Nov 2003: The Douche Crew
I’m sure desperation fuels many people’s jaunts into the realm of porno, as it did mine. Remember those words Exene said so many years ago?.. “There’s worse ways of being desperate than being poor.” Well, I was poor, and terribly desperate on top of that perpetual fact… My wife had been dead for 5-6 years and I had yet to find ANYTHING come close to filling that hole other than consuming alcohol gallons at a time, which was even starting to wear on me (heavily) then. There was no real hands on the console to pull me out of the descent just yet,… there was still a few years of ultra-self destruction to be had before I saw the signs of not being of the same capacities as before.
Varnish can be stripped from the inside…
So initially, the lure of an extra $100 bux to hold a camera and wait around for guys to spray some girls face with their cum was enough to have me right there in the front row every time. My pools were only making me between $60-$130 bux per MONTH each,(about $1400-$1600 a month gross) minus chems, fuel, beer, rent, misery, etc.. An extra $100 for that? Yeah, I’m in.. And there was no pressure like I would’ve felt if I had gone and tried to cut it with Mike at the time who was in his phase of going from Anabolic-Red Light District. I knew I wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility and also knew (deep down) that working with him meant little to no room for mistakes. If there was any decision in my life that I was right about, it was that one..
Picking up shoots with Andrew was too perfect since none of us really had too much experience, or a leg up on each other whenever it came time to put those scenes together. We were all on the same learning curve at the beginning, but that didn’t last long given the competitive nature of a few key players, namely me. Andrew had the money and did most of the heavy lifting for arranging, booking, and handing down what the website owners wanted in regards to the pick-ups/scenarios. After they had shot about 10, 15 scenes tops, I came in and was groomed to be main camera on the 2 camera shoots. Mostly due to availability, looking back I know Andrew wanted Joe to be the main guy, but he was doing this for kicks and in hopes that he’d luck his way into getting his dick sucked now-then.
Joe was a burnout of Hollywood,.. had a mom that was in casting I believe, and had been there forever, knowing everyone who had ever amounted to anything, like one has to if you’re gonna last in that town. Joe directed some legit joints/films, and was no phony, but he sure tried hard to remind you he was cut from some form of Showbiz cloth… Growing up in Venice, being as local as it gets as far as L.A. standards go, I could see Joe coming a mile away… Which is why we got along great whenever he wasn’t strung out and wishing he had more coke than he could afford with this pittance we were getting from Andrew.
As me & Joe were the main camera squad, we had a cat named Jimmy for pictures who was great, as he was pretty intense if you tried to push him around and he let you know he wasn’t taking any backseats unless you physically put him there yourself. There was also a guy named Jason Waters, he kind of ran the house where we shot most all of the gangbangsquad & teensforcash scenes for the first 6-7 months. Jason was also great, an actor of some degree, or at least that was his ambition at the time, he was thoughtful and seemed to want people to be better than they were capable of being. The people in this house, of this crew, weren’t as talented as he might’ve hoped they could or should be. We were ALL losers, hence why we were all now giving shooting porno for some unknown internet entity a serious whirl instead of realizing whatever real dreams we may have had up to that point..
No, we were descending…
Rapidly into what was going to become an environment that begs you to act on your impulses at every turn… As adults we should’ve clearly seen what was going to tear all of us apart and who would be the real cancer of the group, which of course came from the center… Andrew. Still, we all had great notions that we were people that survived scenarios of condescending wit and judgment, and that made us somehow immune to what this world of porno was about to throw into our faces… But on a descent, you’re not immune to anything.
Ok, who else was part of this douche crew?.. Well, Jeff was the editor, and actually seemed to be the one with the best skillset who helped get all of this rolling as he chopped something for Andrew, who in turn lobbed it to the internet dicks, who then agreed to send Andrew money to shoot a few scenes to see if he could pull it off. Jeff’s nickname was ‘Keeper’ (never knew why) and altho he was a bit of a cave dweller, he was also one of the nicest guys in the crew. Out in L.A. chasing a dream from like Indiana or something.. I believe he even lived with Andrew while he was renting the guest house at John Nelson’s place (where I did the pool and met Andrew) so he was there from the inception. But once we were all shooting at the house I believe he moved in there as well.
Ho-Quan… now there was a real slice of L.A. in that dude.. He was a very witty, sharp tongued cat that never really got involved in any of the shoots, but rented a room there and somehow was always cruising thru when scenes were going on, angering Andrew to no end. Ho-Quan was awesome tho,.. he has that Asian-faggot energy where he was just hoping you’d say something out of line or insensitive so he could go OFF on you. He walked thru the room one day as we were gearing up and had one of those Michael Jackson medical masks over his face. We took notice and someone hit him up about it, he pulled it down briefly, coughed, and said “S.A.R.S.”, rolled his eyes left-right, and pulled it back up and tromped off to his room.
I thought that was hilarious.
Gangbangsquad.com was the first one they had us produce and was a 4 on 1 scene everytime, based on the Blacks on Blondes/Interracial dynamic. Which was actually stolen from Anabolic/Diabolic, and I mean ACTUALLY stolen to help get the B on B empire up and running. The guys behind B on B took content that was produced and property of Ana/Dia and just built a site around it. They made so much money that they started producing their own content in the same vein and just settled out of court by the time Anabolic got around to suing them. By then it was just pocket change to those guys..
Anyways, for the GBS shoots (gangbangsquad) we did a take/rip off of the Bangbus reality style pickups since that was becoming all of the rage. I never watched any of the Bangbus/reality based web porno since I had dial up, and no extra money to do so, so even tho this was a commonplace way to do intros for scenes, it was still totally new to me. But the premise was basic; drop girl off somewhere, approach her with camera and meat vendor(s) in tow, commence streetside convo that entices her to jump in the car and go to some strange house with strange men which will then (of course) lead to her willingly removing all clothing and having what the fuck ever kind of sex we have lined up for her that day… Yeah, rocket science all the way.
But I’ll say this, getting out on the street with the performers and crew was where I learned I had a knack for all of this. Once away from Andrew, we could all start to use our instincts and sense of humor together to help pull off these impromptu pickups all over the Valley. That was where me & Shane Diesel, Dirty Harry, Sledge Hammer (RIP), Jake Jacobs, etc. all got to create a routine together that was half of the fun for that day. Sure, they were all getting their rocks off at some point, but when you have the ability to actually inject some levity to the process of porno, it makes it feel like we just wrapped our own version of a live tv show. Porno is meant for jerking off,.. nobody knows that more than I do.. so you can never get too far away from the mission of trying to make each scene as strokeable as possible. But the yucks & the hamming it up in the intro can really set even the most jaded stroker at ease if you don’t let it run on too long.
Now, once we hit March of 2003 Andrew started to get more sites thrown his way, after GBS the next one was TFC (TeensForCash), then he got BoatBangers, BackseatBangers, & finally MILFSeeker was added down the line. The increase in scenes had me splitting up my pool route to where some days I just blew it off altogether since I knew I had a $100-$125 dollar check at the end of the day. Dirty Harry & Uncle Jack were the original two guys for TFC, with Jack being replaced after a couple months by Jake Jacobs, aka Jay Crew. Me & Harry became really good friends over those months and I revere that guy as one of the most loyal and kind souls to ever cross my path in XXX. He and I would bet on baseball as he admittedly was a gambling man.. My current residency at Plush Pocket billiards as the reigning beer champion eventually brought Harry over to the pool hall where he had a bit of a renaissance with his pool playing past.. But, another story for later on down the line.
Shane, Sledge, and Harry were the three crown jewels I took from my time shooting for Andrew, as they proved over the years to come that they weren’t anything like the fair-weather variety of friend that populates 99% of the porno landscape. I’ll steer this back to the GBS days for a little bit since I mentioned Shane & Sledge, who were regulars on those shoots. The rest of the crew, er, gang, for the GBS days consisted of a medley of Mopes that had clearly seen better days in their ‘performing’ career, or were just about to hit the glass ceiling in a disappointing end to their hopes of someday banging A-list snow bunnies on cam for money… Altho, Tee Reel came thru the GBS and did pretty good for himself as he and I would later work together on the regular once we were both at RLD. But, I digress…
Now, looking back, I can’t be too hard on the Mopes we had for the GBS shoots, especially early on since there wasn’t much focus in the room yet. Once we were able to get Andrew OUT of the room during scenes, it all started to smooth out, which should have been a bigger red flag to everyone, (especially me) for the months ahead as to who/what we were going to have to deal with whenever he wanted to get jealous or throw a tantrum over being asked second instead of first. Either way, once his dumb ass was out, I had a much easier time working w/Joe on the 2 camera attack to these 4 on 1 pileups. I still was terrible for the most part at camera work, but my instincts were good and I had a great dynamic with the performers 9/10 times, which is where you really win your battles on set whenever there’s wood problems, vagina problems, drug problems, and/or attitude problems, which ARE gonna happen.
Now before I get too lost in the who, what, where aspects of the crew and those early days, let me recant a story or two so you can start to sink your teeth into what is was like to roam the realms of porno with T. von Swine, circa 2003.
Cherry Modeling,… it wasn’t a ’boutique’ agency by choice, they just weren’t capable of being main players. Not to say Cherry didn’t have a decent gal here-there, they just couldn’t hold them long since there were too many other agents to scoop them up once they started to get noticed around town. Now, in the case of Euro talent, back then you had NO idea if the chick was gonna come in and devour your entire crew, or if she’d scream whenever someone unzipped their pants. The internet still wasn’t great at that time, and who knows what kind of actual background Tara(owner of Cherry Modeling) had on any of the gals that came over from Praha or Budapest, etc.
Well, we get this gal with stringy dyed blonde hair, not a great complexion, or face, or body, but whatever, we apparently needed to get a scene done and this was on Andrew for hiring her, not us. We just had to get her piled on, double penetrated, and sprayed with greasy loads of sperm so we could all go home with checks. But,… something about her overall lack of pedigree in ANY area of attractiveness had me doubtful the whole way. When we realized she knew enough English to say her 1st name, and maybe answer yes or no, we should’ve just bagged it right then and there. But, I wasn’t around real pros/shooters yet, and had not yet known the real power of killing a scene before it turns into a complete goat fuck and just wastes more time and money than needed to be.
I took Shane & this kid Dre to do the pickup over at the Galleria and it was LAME.. lol. It was so bad, I have zero recollection of how we set it up or pulled it off since I was so in disbelief that we were actually going to try and shoot this chick, that was basically an Eastern European refugee. Ok, so we get back to the house and get her ready to do the second intro where the guys sit around and then move in on her, removing clothes, groping, etc., and she’s just not having it. I’m like, “Honey, what are you doing, you have to smile(making the smiley face and happy eyes). You need to be happy and not look like you hate them.”
She hated them,… lol.
Well, not them per se`, but hated where she was at that moment no doubt. The guys are starting to joke a little bit and you hear faint laughs and giggles from Sledge and Shane, and I don’t think that’s helping all that much. So I get everyone back on point and I say “Ok, lets try again, be happy,.. try and have fun… if you have a problem, we’ll take a break.” She stares at me like I just threw her parents in a concentration camp… (sigh)
So we get her top off and the guys are groping and out of nowhere Sledge and Shane break their dicks out… sorry, their VERY big dicks out. She LOSES it and gets up and runs to the bathroom. Fuck…
I tell the guys it’s gonna be a minute and then pull them aside for a quick chat. “Ok look,.. there’s No way we’re gonna get this one to work, you guys still wanna try or should we send her home?” They were like, “Fuck it, give her another chance.”
WHAAAT? I thought… Did you guys just not see her RUN from your cocks? But in their defense, they’re all meat vendors,.. they don’t care about that. They just want to get their dicks sucked, shoot a big load and feel that paycheck in their hands. They don’t give a shit if some Eastern Euro is gonna cry thru the whole thing… It was just them being jaded, not cruel or insensitive. Maybe a little insensitive.
So, now that Petra, or Olga, or whatever her name was, is fully barricaded in the bathroom I tell them to wake up Tara so we can figure out what to do about this nuclear reactor melting down and about to go critical. She(Tara) was wrecked with a hangover that day, which I thought was amazingly funny, seeing her struggling thru it just like I did on a daily basis. And it was a THICK hangover too, one where I could see it hurting her face and eyes, no way was she ready for anything we were about to dump in her lap coming out of almost a stupor since she was pretty much knocked out the entire time this tragedy was transpiring.
“What’s going on, what’s the problem?”
“Your chick just brokedown and locked herself in the bathroom after these dudes broke out their dicks. I don’t think she can handle this…”
“Oh she’s gonnna handle it alright!…..” As she stomped off to go do some damage control and remind all of us who was in charge,… Yeah, right.
Someone called Andrew to let him know things had hit a snag, so now it was me, Joe, the 4 Mopes, Andrew, Olga or Petra or whatever, and Tara, all ready to witness this miraculous U-turn that was going to get Olga, or Petra, or whatever, happy enough to take off all of her clothes and do a mini-gangbang with four endowed black dudes. Olga was to my left on the couch by the Mopes, Tara to my right in one of the recliners, Joe & Andrew across from me as we waited for Tara to hold court and get us back to hitting record buttons…
“You remember what we talked about? Right?”
Olga nods yes, not really making eye contact.
“You know you HAVE to do this scene or I’m putting you back on a plane, tonight! Right?”
She nods again.
“Ok, I don’t want ANYMORE problems out of you. I spent a lot of money getting you out here and you’re going to do this goddamned scene! Got it?”
Now she’s nodding and doing everything she can to not look Tara in the eye.
“Ok, we’re fine. You guys can shoot the scene now.”
Watching Tara intimidate Olga, Petra, whatever, in front of that WHOLE room made me want to vomit into Tara’s face. The fact that Andrew allowed it was just as nauseating so I called him over for a quick one on one…
“Dude, you just gonna let her FORCE that chick to do the scene like that?”
“Yeah. What the fuck do I care? It’s none of my business. That’s between them.”
Motioning to the crew I said, “Ok, lets just get back to where we were, the BJ’s. Go ahead and get your edge for a minute and then I’ll bring you guys in and we’ll try and go through this in one big run since I don’t think we’re gonna want to stop too many times if you know what I mean.” Everyone did know what I meant, and if we didn’t get this in one solid take, like all of the way to the anal at least, that this chick was gonna start thinking about it again and bail. You could just sense it.
We were on the verge, and I instructed Olga(or whatever, whatever) back down to her knees as the two bloated cocks moved in. I told her start jerking first, then to use her mouth and we’ll make this go as fast as possible once they all get hard. She looked at me w/the most hopeless but intended smile she could possibly muster. There was tragedy brewing,..seconds away and she could feel it, but just didn’t know it yet.
“Ok guys move in, dicks up,… and action!”
She held these two bloated cocks close to her face and went towards the first one, but didn’t suck it. She turned to the other one, and didn’t suck that one either… Instead there was this lips only smile/grimace that came across her face as the tears poured and her whimpers overpowered her, starting to bawl one last time in between a four man forest of dicks…
100% meltdown accomplished.
In that moment, Olga had actually won the day, and I loved it. I loved it that she shoved it right down Tara and Andrew’s slimy throats without even trying. NOT doing the scene toally boned them, albeit only short-term, but the fact that they had to lump this one down felt great. The dudes finally saw how upset she was and totally backed off, putting their pants back on and not saying a word knowing this ship had just sank to the bottom. There was a bit of a pall in the room before Tara again lost her mind and tore into Olga, but by that time it seemed to have no affect, Olga knew her days w/Tara had the shelf life of a bowl of mayonnaise on a 100 degree day.
Seeing that type of train wreck firsthand allows one to really observe tendencies and character of those you’re supposed to consider your ‘crew’. Ok, agents can be dicks, they sometimes have reason to be hard on the whores since they’re in a position to get ripped off a lot of the time. But Andrew,… that was gross. He was already so greedy and desperate to make something of himself (financially) via porno that he didn’t care if it showed. Now, of our crew, they gave him waay more slack than I would since I knew him the shortest amount of time, but I was in a dangerous place personally in those years. Still drinking heavily, getting in fights now-then, working the pools in the SFV with no A/C,.. I had a LOT of scorpion blood in those days and was quick to judge bad behavior for what it was. There was no reason not to play the game straight up in my opinion, the money was getting HANDED to him, and they were funneling him site after site, and yet he still was ok w/this agent strong arming some chick who we’re never going to see again for a scene we could re-schedule w/a better performer anyways.
What a fucking loser…
Andrew always liked to say in those early days, “Fake it til you make it, man.”
Fake what? Either you can pull it off or you can’t… That’s the school I came from. We didn’t fake anything growing up in Venice, and hearing that ‘mantra’ from Andrew made perfect sense.. He was a hack, and he was tired of struggling, which I get/can relate to. But fake it he did,… and make it he did, eventually. So good for him by sticking to his guns and being a phony, piece of shit manipulator his entire run thru porno…
You can prolly start to see where Year One is headed, or at least what the ‘ending’ is going to be. But sit tight, I have a couple, maybe few more chapters left before I move on to Year Two.
That’s all for now. Thanx for reading,…. ~ Swiney